This is the post excerpt.

I took the leap, trying to make the changes to begin a new journey, leaving all that was built for my family and career, destroyed from a marriage to an evil soul. My spirit, my soul, my world and foundation was attacked by evil that I chose to marry, not knowing the lies or willing to admit my rash, selfish and poor decision. I had only hoped after the loss of my mother that a marriage would mean I would have a friend to share life adventures. I eloped, I was duped and refused to see or admit it. After physical, emotional and financial abuse and 10 years of my children’s and my life, I ran. Out of my element but hope to find this a new home, each day my estranged husband is more of a bully doing what he can to just be hurtful and mean. This behavior supported by his family and their shared deceit and lies. Everything my children and I worked for, all our blood, sweat and tears has been taken or thrown away. My home, family and friends slowly taken as my husband controlled and manipulated us. Only on Faith and Prayer do we continue to hope some day we will get through this. This is our second summer deep in the city, still much to become a part of though with broken spirits all we have is hope, faith and love. No child wants a single parent home and it isn’t what I wanted for my son either. Only when parents cannot co-parent do I feel is a single parent household. With no ability to communicate as parents, essentially your alone in the business, as is a child. Sad that instead of the luxury to consider my child’s growth and emotional needs, my consideration can only be any misstep or defeat may mean homelessness.


2nd Fall – I have a dime

Dimes from heaven

..it’s good to be Free, you cannot buy Free with money only your heart, love comes before free or you may be stealing
Free are kindness rocks, sunny days and smiles on your children, nieces, nephews, siblings..bartenders 🙂
Free are random meetings, passing joy in conversations on metro rides, coffee lines and commutes,
Free is exploration, museum adventures, theater, city-scapes
Free are heartstrings, family, friends, cousins, coworkers, classmates and neighbors
Free is your heart hugging your child as they reach their arms out

Free is window shopping, prayer and belief in Santa, Wish lists and learning to buy it with your heart
Street music, art, memories accompanied by joy and a piece of infinite love – like getting to an amusement park in hopes to hit every ride for joy, there is more ahead, like such a vacation you only wake to free

Angels are Free
Love is Free and infinite
Love like your mind, your heart, must stay open, heart wrinkles are created where love has been

Is it Maslows Hierarchy, a gift or habit – to realizing the greatest love you’ve ever felt or known this life can’t ever be measured now or ever, don’t judge your love or loves don’t hold it in a box too fragile to open

To hold only past or highset level of love as youve known, not closing your eyes and receiving new love in whatever form or need God has planned… your like the prejudice and feel like an ass as you encounter it, feels like an a brand new love , holding it in your newborns’ arms or viewing humpback whales in Alaskan waters or Hawaii’s floral scented air, Free and ahh the love of universe and the awe of our planet

Even when or if my child doesn’t feel or return love or leaves me to question, there is always the invisible string, God given there is no way to remove this love, bond admiration and awe. No doubt in my opinion and wish to believe God given heartstrings cannot be severed since its woven in love, for otherwise it isn’t a heartstring.
As love hits, holding your newborn – unpredictable, unfathomable, magnificent love of a new dimension, equal to greater than and still immeasurable.

Is there such then, a form of birth of love, other typed plants seeds ignored and forgotten then grows into a beautiful fragrant flower, love is immediate and love growing regardless of our awareness…
.. this to me is a given, comes with the territory, the birth of your child unrecognized until experienced.
I can do my best but what I cannot cook for them or let them be able to test be returned is the love given and because of this forever thankful unable to express this love, nor buy for them equal love or present it for them to touch in a box with a bow or right off the shelf…

Lovely thing about cousins decades without in-passing, before you’ve known them you love them, although you don’t know them you love – they teach you love, unpredjudice and loves over infinte locations, levels, seasons or planetary universe distance from the sun, all holidays, not always within each other’s presence but love passes timelessly through love’s invisible string – heartstings, love strings..thankful to have had the blessings and continue to reunite and refresh all lovestings woven into our DNA as traits are to eyecolor, it is in our blood, genetic, soul genes serendipitous entering onto life paths, love, these heartstrings reproduce, resonating true joy

Genetic Karma?

Can our souls be genetically influenced? Though its of no matter the aggravation one stirs up to release our individual Spirit and Nature, it is inherited. How loving, happy, healthy, weak or strong is our inherited Spirit in which we aggravate tendencies or more simply influenced mentally or physically, leading to happy or unhappiness, success or failure?

Are the karmic chromosomes we are born with? Is a person’s approach to life also associated not with their own but also ancestors’ tendencies, choices and behaviors, reactions, kindness, good or evil? Can we change our Spiritual legacy – equally to joys both from our own karma created and karma inherited –  within our spiritual, physical and hearts. Are we and shall we consider we may be born unto our family lines not only with the genetic traits of eyecolor, intelligence, race and ancestry but also traced to a karmic genealogy sort? Perhaps we are descendants also that of their karmic choices good and bad, purposeful tools for lessons in life, filled with good or bad karma, like an inheritance. After birth as your soul connections are re-tied, can there also be a part of Good Karma, Destiny and Traits? Creating associated spiritual tendencies that may be aggravated with smoking is to cancer and defeat is to suicide, saints or criminals , luck of the draw, genetic evolution relations within a sort karmic chromosomes inherited. May this also be establishing a soul and spiritual make up to consider within yourself or another’s that are a part of life’s journey.  Maslow’s Hierarchy establishes some measurements that impact one’s Spirit are there related measurements that can be applied to our Soul level?

Thus it would seem, our efforts to choose behaviors for living in peace behaving as loving,  good, kind, generous, giving, dutiful, humbled beings, effect reflected “good” karma during our current life cycle or may it be delayed and reflected in our karma genes passed to our heirs , relative or not. Will future generations be responsible for karma? As we choose selfishly or unkindly, perhaps evil, at what point are these karmic debts payed, or is it dependent on the action? Can there be karmic traits inherited from a past relatives and generations that deliver expectations or tendencies over dispositions of body, mind, spirit?

Do we experience life trials and joys as a matter born unto ourselves soully, like a chromosome, however as certainly genetic, karmic chromosomes? Are we not only paying for the choices and efforts of our own but in addition those of our ancestors and soulmates, as spiritual kin and relationships? How many soulmates are within our life time that only cross through awaiting a life time in which you remain together through out life cycle or lessons formed over, as a sibling, parent, child, teacher, mentor, lover, spouse.

Do good, give love, show peace for not only knowing He will judge, but knowing your good is a part of Him. Be thankful to Him for every pain, receive sorrows as a gift and show grace, prayerful to ever be humbled as what is in his Will is a part of your inheritance, legacy and estate left to carry on.

Passion and Performance

Trying to figure out what passion is, best use of directing it and how to perform without it. Seems like a balancing effort to live with purpose, putting love and joy into performing tasks that aren’t in my passion arena. I feel the excuse to state at times, when I have no passion for that so I just can’t do that, but to live life fully as advised, we must appreciate and be thankful to God for all this pain, sorrow and anxiety for an unknown road ahead. Too many pieces many devastating pieces, there are always more.

To hold on faith, stillness of peace and love – within these moments, when every move and thought is an absolute chore, and truly, wholly within your heart, give thanks to God. For each struggle, sigh, cry and pain. For my son whom is just a child and he feels the same feelings and has as many prayers.

And does go with is a bore, no wonder being in my company is typically not sought after.  absolutely in a mind state with almost full loss of joy, little hope (which is better than 2 weeks ago as I truly faced rationalization to selfishly and finally give up) but I miss any sense of humor or wit I may once have had, life just seem to have some fun. I am holding out for that life again. As my 7 year old also says through tears and pain “this is not my life” I want my old life back.” how do I sell the idea that I too, on faith believe that “hopefully” we will have a new life to love again and will overcome this. As we took such humungous strides to be here in this city, in a tiny dump that I try to embrace with love and gratitude thru the mildew and flooding bathroom. And I pray.

Some days I am immensely passionate about a clean house and can get to scrubbing some corners of the floor that have been neglected or typically passion for housekeeping tasks come with any expected guest, though recently even that isn’t helping motivate.

I can remember how and when housekeeping was a part of my tasks and working full time wasn’t, nor being single parent or single for that matter – I was pretty damn organized and I cooked.

Is it a balance of appreciation, passion or necessity to the approach? The ease in which performance of not too enlightening, but necessary tasks (such as cleaning the kitty litter pan) or purging with a different amount of appreciation, so to speak. I am humbled this second summer in the city, for some reason feeling stuck, and apparently pretty over passionate about many things. Is passion typical in everyone? Is it a season? What if our passion is misunderstood and discounted on account the ideas are too forward thinking? The ideas are not heard or the problem is ignored no matter how others are hurt from it. Issues ranging from college students being ripped off by landlords to in ability to escape an abusive husband who premeditates my destruction,  purposely planning and executing actions to just be a bully and hurt me. Is this his passion or obsession? Could my inability to effectively be a leader or maybe I am unable to convey ideas because my energy and purpose gets mixed with passion with obsessive tendencies….. hmmm….